Ask Fr. Mike

I heard that Jesus said there is a sin that cannot be forgiven. What is this sin? Why can’t God forgive it?

When am I supposed to offer my opinion? For example, I have a friend who conceived a child through in vitro fertilization. Am I supposed to tell her that was wrong? 

I’ve been praying and trying to get closer to God. But sometimes I don’t know if what I’m thinking is actually God’s voice or if it is just my own thoughts. Is there any way that I can tell?

I am a parent of three kids, all of whom I tried to raise in the Catholic faith. One of them seems to have a very little interest, one is relatively hostile, and one still goes to church. None of them live with us anymore, but I wish that I could do something to strengthen their faith. Is there anything that I can do? 

My loved one passed away, but I keep getting these “signs” that I see as being from them that let me know that they are OK. For example, I will see a cardinal (my dad always fed the cardinals outside his window) and I think that it is a sign from him. Is that okay for me to think?

I’ve noticed that there have been a number of “celebrity conversions” to the Catholic faith recently. These individuals seem to be getting a lot of attention from Catholics online (both positive and negative). How should we respond to these new (and well-known) brothers and sisters?

I know that I make excuses. My family members point that out to me, and my friends (my very close friends) have told me that my excuse-making makes it difficult to trust me. But most times they don’t feel like excuses to me, they seem like the real reasons I’m late or don’t do what I had said I would do. How can I tell the difference between excuses and real reasons?

What is the difference between drifting along in life and letting God do his will in your life? I have not really pursued a lot of my life goals because I love God and I want to please him by doing what he wants me to do in my life. Is this the wrong approach to goals in life and doing God's will?

I heard that the pope wrote a document on youth recently. What are the main takeaways? Is it worth reading?

Lent is right around the corner, and I never seem to know what to do for the season. I’ve tried giving things up, but it always seems a bit hollow. What should I do?

With the start of every new “thing” (new year, new season, new stage in life), I find it very difficult to stop and consider the previous “thing” (the previous year, the previous season, or the previous stage in life). And I find myself just kind of doing the same things over and over again. There seems to be no end in sight. What do I do?

This is particularly hard for me, because humor is an important part of all my close relationships, and it is very hard to have a meaningful relationship with the Lord if I have to exclude many kinds of humor from it.

I have heard that curiosity can be considered a vice. That doesn’t make any sense to me. The advances of science, technology, and social reforms wouldn’t have happened if people had suppressed their natural desire to venture into the unknown and ask questions that challenged the status quo. It seems more like an intimidation tactic on the part of institutions.

I have been really hurt by people in my life. But most of the bad stuff in my life is my fault. Still, I can’t stop blaming myself and blaming them for hurting me.

I have a friend with whom I am trying to share the Gospel. He has great questions, and I like trying to offer intelligent and rational answers, but I’m not sure if he has faith yet. What should I do?   

I am writing because I keep coming back to the same question, “Am I a good person?” I am taking care of my husband who suffers from Alzheimer’s, as well as my parents who need a lot of attention. I can’t always find the time to pray the rosary every day (like St. John Paul II or St. Mother Teresa did), and I just can’t escape the Catholic guilt that I feel all of the time.   

I find myself being less-than-generous quite often. I want to have a better attitude, but people keep wanting things from me: they want my time, my help, and my financial support. How do I get better at being generous?

Some of my co-workers seem think that I believe that my religion saves me. They say that Christianity is about a relationship, not a religion.

I’ve been told that I can pray to God, and that he hears my prayers and answers them. I’ve been frustrated though, because it seems like it doesn’t do anything. Am I missing something?  

I have been trying to pray more regularly, but I keep getting so distracted. It is really frustrating. What am I doing wrong?

I recently attended a wedding in a non-Catholic church. The minister invited everyone there forward to be united at this wedding to receive Communion. I didn’t know what to do, so I went up to receive. Did I do something wrong?

I’ve been to confession, and I know that God has forgiven my sins. But I still feel badly about them. What should I do?

With Lent on its way, I never know how to choose a “thing.” Do you have any suggestions for how to pick something to do for Lent? That’s a great (and perennial) question. I have personally had a tough time choosing the right thing in the past. How does a person know what they should give up or take up when it comes to their Lenten discipline?

Someone I love recently died. I know that we believe in life after death, but I am still struggling. Am I wrong to be sad? Is it OK that I wish they were still here?

I had thought that I was doing God’s will; I had prayed and every indication was that this was the direction that God wanted me to pursue. But after some time, every road block was put in front of me, and I had to go elsewhere. How could I have been so wrong about what God was calling me to?

With the start of the New Year, I always feel like I should make a resolution. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. Either way, I never end up keeping them, and it just feels like I never change. What do you recommend?

I have a problem with pride. It seems to me that it is one of my more serious faults. What do I do?

I was talking with a friend the other day, and she started saying negative things about Jesus and the church. I knew that what she was saying wasn’t true. I didn’t say anything but feel like I should have. I just feel so badly for not speaking up. Was that wrong?

I don’t like going to Mass. I had to go when I was a kid, and I never got the point. But I also realize that it could just be me; I could be the one missing something. What can I do to get more out of Mass?

I am hoping to be cremated when I die. I would also like my family to bring my ashes up to the Boundary Waters and scatter them there, since it is where I feel closest to God. Is that OK?

I sometimes just wish that I could run away from the life that I am living. There is nothing terribly wrong with it, but I get this feeling that I should just leave this behind and try something new. Is this a sign that I should?

I really want to grow. I mean, I really want to become the person that God has called me to be, but I find myself being so busy that I can’t imagine adding more to my plate in order to be a saint. How can I fit more in?

I had heard someone use this quote, “There is only one reason you are not yet a saint: you do not want to be one.” I have to admit that I’ve been trying really hard to be holy. If I don’t feel holy does that mean I just don’t “want it” enough?

I serve at my parish all of the time. Whenever my pastor (or really anyone) asks me to help, I usually say yes. On top of that, I feel like I am never doing enough, praying enough, or serving enough. I just want to quit. What do I do?

I have to admit that I am not that great at receiving correction. I get super defensive or I end up feeling really guilty. I sometimes even feel like a failure. What should I do?

I want to do something for Lent, but I never know what. I have a hard time sticking with things. Do you have any suggestions?

I think that I want to go to confession, but I worry that I don’t feel sorry enough. I don’t want to lie and say “I am sorry for all my sins” if I don’t feel sorry. Do I have to stay away from reconciliation until I feel badly?

Do you really believe that sins are the measurement of your passes to heaven? I don’t think so. Sins are necessary to life. How would you know that good is good if you do not experience sin? It gives balance to life.

I’ve been thinking about what it is to receive a gift well. I find that I don’t like getting gifts, because I never know how to respond. I can sometimes even feel guilty that someone has gone to the trouble of getting me something. Is there a way I can receive gifts better?

I messed up in some pretty big ways in my life. I made some decisions that have wrecked relationships and have done significant damage to myself. I’ve been to confession, and I know that God in his mercy has forgiven me. But I can’t seem to be able to forgive myself. What do I do?

I find myself consistently becoming more and more aware of the good things in other people's lives — and the lack of good things in my life. The demands of work and family and taking care of my parents is really weighing on me.

As a parent, I find it really difficult to get anything out of Mass when I have to wrangle and take care of my kids through it all. Sometimes it seems like it would just be better to stay home; I don’t get anything out of it, and it seems like they don’t either. I usually end up feeling defeated. What should I do?

I am troubled by news that the bishops of the United States might ban politicians who are openly pro-abortion from receiving Holy Communion. Isn’t this politicizing the Holy Sacrament of the Eucharist for one’s own ends? I thought that the Eucharist was meant to be “medicine for those who are sick.”

I’ve noticed something about myself. I used to be someone who occasionally complained, but recently I’ve realized that I am constantly complaining about one thing or another. I seem to be able to find something to be upset about in every situation and with every piece of news I come across. What do I do?

I have noticed something happening in our society that people have called “cancel culture.” How are we supposed to respond to this as Christians?

I am a young woman who was dating a terrific young man. Things were going along really well for us when he broke up with me because he believed that he needed to enter seminary and discern whether or not God is calling him to be a priest. I want to support him, but I’m not sure how.

I have recently been reading the Old Testament and have encountered some things that have troubled me. Among them is the way God talks about blessing those who obey him and cursing those who disobey him. I much prefer the New Testament and how Jesus reveals that God is love and calls us to love him. This just seems like God is coercing people into following him. What do I do?

I am wondering how much I can be vulnerable with people. I have been able to tell some key people in my life about struggles of mine, but when can I tell others?

I am wondering how much I can be vulnerable with people. I have been able to tell some key people in my life about struggles of mine, but when can I tell others?

Masses have been canceled. How are we supposed to survive as Catholics, much less continue to grow and raise our families in the faith?

I have all of these plans for my day, but then I just get so distracted that it seems like I don’t get anything done. Even more, I am always “somewhere else” when I should be with the people who matter the most to me. Is that even possible?

Lent is right around the corner, and I never seem to know what to do for the season. I’ve tried giving things up, but it always seems a bit hollow. What should I do?

I recently became Catholic and keep hearing about all of the stuff you have that is “blessed.” Someone even gave me a holy card that they said had been blessed. I like the idea, I just don’t know what it means for something to be blessed.

I have a somewhat strange question for you. I’m someone who has a very hard time dealing with change. I like to make sure that the things I have and the relationships I’m in with friends and family are long-lasting, even permanent. It saddens me greatly to think that one day I might not have these relationships.

I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been praying and I’ve been to confession (repeatedly), but I seem to commit the same sins. Even worse, I know that Jesus promised that we would receive a closeness to God when we call out for him, but I haven’t experienced that.

It seems like every time I want to do something that I think will be fun, the church has a rule against it. Why is the church so against pleasure? What’s wrong with enjoying yourself and the good things in life?

I have a co-worker with whom I get along very well who has taken a deeper interest in Catholicism. How do I best direct him to a parish that will make him feel welcome and engage him in a personal way?

How much weight should I give to my past? I’ve been told that I need to forget the past and move forward, but it seems like there ought to be something more to it.

Do you really believe that sins are the measurement of your passes to heaven? I don't think so. Sins are necessary to life, how would you know that good is good if you do not experience sin? it gives balance to life, that's what it is.

What is the difference between drifting along in life and letting God do His will in your life?  I have not really pursued a lot of my life goals because I love God and I want to please Him by doing what He wants me to do in my life. Should I be living this way?  Is this the wrong approach to goals in life and doing God's will?

I find myself facing situations where I just don’t know what to do.  I feel like I am out of my depth, but I have responsibilities and people still look to me to have an answer.  What am I supposed to do?

What do you do when you are in really bad temptation, and like you supposedly like the sin you are going to commit more than what is right?

As a parent of young children, I want to raise my kids in the faith and help them navigate the world to make good decisions while they are still vulnerable/moldable so that when they grow up and are free to make their own decisions, they still continue to choose Christ. Obviously I cannot shelter them from everything or they will grow up being naïve but I cannot just let them be completely influenced by the world either. Any thoughts on how to let kids be a part of the world but not of the world?  

You said that you had practical advice for parents. What kind of advice?

I fell in love with a married man.  We had been such close friends and then developed feelings for each other.  We haven’t done anything wrong, but I really care about him.

I read about the saints and how extraordinary they were. Some of them did really hard things like only getting a few hours of sleep and doing other painful things. I guess not all of them did outstanding things, but I feel like in order to become a saint I have to do something like not sleep for days or do penance all of the time. How can I be holy?

I’ve been hurting a lot lately.  Not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.  It seems like no matter what I do, nothing changes.  If God has been trying to teach me a lesson, I think I’ve learned it by this point.

What does the Church teach about ghosts?  Are they real?  What are we supposed to do with them?

I’m afraid of sacrifice.  Not that I am afraid of giving up stuff or letting go of what I need to let go of, but I am afraid of what God might possibly call me to sacrifice some day.

I sometimes get overwhelmed by the burden I place on the people around me.  Even when people help me, I feel so guilty that I can’t stop apologizing.  Lately, my friends and family have told me that I apologize too much.  But isn’t that a good thing?

You’ve spoken about God’s love before, and how it is important to know that God will never stop loving us.  But my issue is that I teach young people who seem to think that, since God loves them, it doesn’t matter how they live.

I try to follow God in the way that it seems like He is calling me to, but I find that I am often walking alone.  I am not surrounded by people who are pursuing God like I believe I am called to.  Am I doing something wrong?

There is a teacher at my Catholic school who just died.  He was so young and all of us students loved him so much. We all miss him so much.  I am beginning to doubt my faith in all of this.  What can I do?

I feel like God is going to call me to do something big, but i don't know what. How can I make sure that I don't miss what he will call me to do...and what can I do in the meantime?

You had written about gossip earlier.  But don’t people need to know certain “secret” things?  Wouldn’t it be irresponsible of me to keep some things to myself?

What is the problem with gossip? I mean, sometimes I just need to vent.

I keep trying to do all that I can to help our children know of God’s love for them.  I want them to be truly “Catholic”; not merely in name, but as their deepest identity.  In the face of a seemingly hostile culture, what can I do?

How do I live with hope?  This world seems so lost at times.  Even more personally, my life seems so painful and senseless at times.  It all just seems so pointless.

I struggle each Mass when the congregation says, “I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof . . .” I understand its biblical significance, but maybe I’m just bothered by the phrase I am not worthy.  My parents taught me I am worthy because I’m a child of God Almighty. We are all worthy just by the fact we were created in God’s image.

Lent is obviously right around the corner, and I never seem to know what to “do” for this season.  I’ve tried giving things up, but it always seems a bit “hollow”. What should I do?

We recently had a funeral for a family member.  I was a bit annoyed by how much the priest talked about Jesus and how little he talked about the person who had died.  Isn’t the funeral supposed to be more of a celebration of the person’s life?

How much weight should I give to my past?  I mean, I’ve been told that I need to forget the past and move forward, but it seems like there ought to be something more to it.  

I sometimes just wish that I could run away from the life that I am living.  There is nothing terribly “wrong” with it, but I get this feeling that I should just leave this behind and try something new.  Is this a sign that I should?

I sometimes get so down on myself.  Even though I want to do good, I keep messing up.  The problem is: I know that it is my own fault, so I feel bad about asking God for help.

God approves of so much joy!  God approves of so much good!  He made a good world and then sets His beloved humans in the midst of this world and bids us to enjoy it! Our problem is not that God has prohibited joy.  Our problem is that we do not know how to enjoy the good things God has given.  Every one of us tends towards using good things in the wrong way or at the wrong time.  We find something that gives pleasure and we will binge on that thing until we no longer enjoy ourselves.  And then we find that we can’t stop.  Isn’t this a common phenomenon in our lives?  Students tell me about the entire season of a television show that they watched over one weekend on Netflix or Hulu.

Think of any great story. Every one of them is built upon this premise. If they weren’t, there is no real conflict; instead of fighting courageously when one encounters overwhelming odds or faces an impossible situation, the characters would simply die. The reasonable thing would actually be to take matters into one’s own hands and end one’s life. If they’re going to die eventually, why not simply face death on one’s own terms?

For the first time in history, we exist in a society that has reduced human life to the individual. While this movement has a grain of truth and goodness to it (the human person truly does have great intrinsic dignity and goodness), it has also resulted in exalting the individual to an absolute level.

In his book, “The Power of Habit”, Charles Duhigg points out that we often adopt a “habit loop”.  It consists of three parts: the cue, the routine, and the reward.  Virtually every habit we have follows this pattern. The cue is typically a person, place, or thing.  For example, a person might have the habit of logging on to Twitter (I work with high school and college students) every time they have to wait for something.  The “cue” is “waiting”.  The routine is to pull out their phone.  And the reward they are looking for is some distraction while they wait.

First, praise God for the fact that He placed that desire in your heart!  Too many of us are content with the idea of “show up on Sunday, put something in the basket, and you’re good”.  I think that that might have been the vision of Catholicism that certain people might have had in the past, but this was never an authentic perspective of what it means to be a Christian.

This is a very good question.  The fact that you are asking this already puts you ahead of most people in our current culture.  For many people, the very worst thing that they could be accused of is “being fake”.  But I would like to make a distinction between “being authentic” and “having integrity.” Why is this distinction important for us to make?  I mean, it could seem an awful lot like I am just splitting hairs or axe-grinding by spending so many words on what might seem like an insignificant definition.  But I maintain that a great deal depends on understanding the difference between being authentic and having integrity.  And yet, it wasn’t always this way.  

Thank you for reaching out and asking this question. There are many factors at play here and clearly there is a lot here that I am unaware of. Since I do not know your son or his wife, I am only able to make a couple of assumptions. What I will offer you is based off of these assumption, so please keep that in mind when you read these words.

I think that your experience sounds a lot like most people in the Church. Now, when I say that, I don’t mean “most people who don’t care about getting close to the Lord” in the Church. What you described is what most people who are showing up and who long to be closely connected with God are experiencing every day. We want God so desperately, but we don’t seem to be able to experience His Presence and His Power. So what do we do?

I believe that I am a very spiritual person. I don’t personally believe in any religion, but that doesn’t mean I am not spiritual.

I heard that Catholics aren’t allowed to be cremated, but I kind of think that I would like to be cremated rather than just buried when I die. Can I be a faithful Catholic and be cremated?

Why do you refer to God as “He”? Are you implying that God is male?Doesn’t this support a patriarchal worldview? I don’t see the point.

How could a person in Heaven ever be happy if they know that someone they love is not there or will never be there (is in Hell)?

I’ve recently come across something called Centering Prayer. What is it and is it Catholic?

I go to school in another part of the state. Some of my professors told me that the Diocese of Duluth is a “conservative” diocese. What does that mean?

Will there be animals in Heaven?Are there animals in Heaven?

Can a Christian fight in war? If a Catholic soldier killed someone in battle, would they have to go to Confession?

I’ve been trying to help a family member come back to the church. They seemed so “on fire” when they were younger, but have since lost their faith.

Why do some people have faith and others don’t? What if I personally don’t feel like I have faith?

Can I get a tattoo and still be a faithful Catholic?

Can you tell me something about the devil? I read in an Examination of Conscience that it is a sin to use horoscopes, tarot cards, or ouija boards. But what if it is just for fun?

Why don’t we follow all of the laws of the Bible? Like, what about Old Testament dietary laws, or going to synagogue on Saturday, or laws about stoning someone if they commit adultery?

I sometimes get frustrated with the Church and all the rules about “do this” and “don’t do that.” I believe that God just wants us to be happy.

Why be Catholic? Aren’t all religions basically the same? Aren’t Catholics arrogant in thinking that they are the “one, true Church”?

The church teaches that I have a duty to raise my children in the faith. But shouldn't it be their choice? Is it fair to indoctrinate them?

I disagree with some of the teachings of the Catholic Church. I was once told that I don’t have to follow all of the church’s teachings if they violate my conscience. But still, I’m not sure that’s right.

I heard that a couple has to want to have kids in order to get married in the Catholic Church. My fiancé and I don’t, why won’t the Church let us marry each other?

In a previous column, you wrote that God doesn’t “send” people to Hell, but that we choose to live without God. I think that, when we die, God reveals Himself so fully and truly that we are so overwhelmed by his goodness that no one could possibly choose hell.

I’ve been reading more about the Church and I’ve come across something called the “precepts” of the Catholic Church. How important are they? Why these five extra “rules”?

What does my same-sex marriage have to do with you? Why the fuss over this?

Q: It seems unfair to say that gay people can’t [...]

I don’t know how to respond when someone “explains away” their bad behavior by just saying, “God made me this way”. Is that true?

First, homosexuality is not a sin. The term “homosexuality” refers to the condition of being sexually attracted to members of one’s own gender. An attraction, even a same-sex attraction, is not sinful; it is simply a description of what is. Every one of us struggles daily with our attractions and desires. This is the human condition: we are made good, but are sometimes attracted to things that aren’t good for us.

I’ve been hurting a lot lately, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. It seems like no matter what I do, nothing changes. If God has been trying to teach me a lesson, I think I’ve learned it by this point.

Jesus teaches us to pray for our enemies. Lucifer, and all of the other fallen angels, are our real enemies (according to Saint Paul). Does that mean that we should pray for Lucifer?

I know that I am supposed to forgive those who have hurt me, but it is so hard. Every time I see this person, I get so mad! What do I do?

You said that you had practical advice for parents. What kind of advice?

I worry a lot. I know that the Bible teaches that we are to “have no anxiety,” but I can’t just pretend like everything is fine when it isn’t.

How come whenever something good happens I am supposed to thank God, but when something bad happens, I can’t blame Him?

If God knows everything, then He would have known what Hitler would do. In that case, why didn’t God just not make him?

Have you ever felt so sure you’re going in the right direction and really seeking God and then all of a sudden it’s like the rug is pulled out from under you?

Back when I went to Catholic school, and later when I served in the military, I was taught that, when it came to serving our country, I need to be an American first and a Catholic second.

Last month, you talked about contraception always being wrong. In fact, you called it “evil.” Isn’t that a little much?

Is contraception really that big of a deal? As if using contraception wisely and occasionally in marriage could affect my relationship with God. And even if it really did, how is natural family planning any different from contraception?

I heard a Christian speaker talking about needing to avoid certain movies and TV shows. Is it really a big deal what kind of entertainment I watch, listen to or read? Isn’t it better to know what is going on in the world than be closed off?

I know that we are told that we shouldn’t judge, but what does that mean? Shouldn’t we be able to judge some things?

I want to get married outside, but my priest says that I can't. My fiancé and I love the outdoors, and it is really meaningful to us, why can't this be a part of our wedding day?

I’ve heard that everyone is called by God to some vocation. How do I find my vocation?

Is taking the Lord’s Name in vain still a big deal?

I was once riding in a shuttle-bus with a number of older folks on the way from an airport. They noticed that I was a priest and started asking questions about it. “Do you do all of the priest stuff?” “Yep.” “Even the Confession thing?” “Yeah. All the time.”

I want to go to Confession, but don’t really feel bad for my sins. What do I do? Can I still be forgiven?

Why do Catholics not eat meat on Fridays during Lent? What’s the point? And why doesn’t fish count as meat?

I have been trying to pray, but sometimes I just don’t feel like anything is happening. Also, I am nervous because prayer has started to feel like an obligation.

Formula Prayers Give Us Words When We Need Them

So the Bible says to “keep holy the sabbath”. How do I do that? Is it a sin to do any work at all?

I’ve heard that Christmas is a pagan holiday, and that we Christians should not celebrate it because it is based off some pagan celebration of the birth of the “Invincible Sun”. What’s the story?

Every Christmas I feel drained and am relieved when Dec. 26 finally comes around. What can I do to really celebrate the season of Christmas?

I get that Purgatory exists. But why?

I recently attended a wedding in a non-Catholic church. The minister invited everyone there forward to be united at this wedding to receive Communion. I didn’t know what to do, so I went up to receive. Did I do something wrong?

My non-Catholic friend comes with me to Mass, but she insists on receiving the Eucharist. Is that okay?

Is it a sin to miss Mass if you're on vacation?

What does the Catholic Church teach about suicide? Do people who kill themselves automatically go to Hell?

My dad died, but I think that he was agnostic. He never clearly claimed Jesus. He tolerated faith in my mom and in us, but he never gave any indication that it reached him. Is he in heaven?

I want to go deeper in my prayer life, but I’m not sure how to start. What is my first step?

I’ve been hearing about the Catholic bishops getting upset about Catholic institutions providing contraception for employees. They say that this goes against church teaching. What is so wrong about contraception?

Do you believe everything that the Catholic Church teaches?

It seems like every time I try to explain the Church’s teaching regarding same-sex “marriage” I am accused of being a “bigot” or a “homophobe.” I am told that I “hate” and that it is a violation of a person’s civil rights to say that they cannot marry whomever they want. How do I respond?

In your last column, you said you believe everything the Church teaches. What if I struggle with believing? Where does that put me?

I try to pray, but I keep getting distracted. Am I doing something wrong?